Journey Through Whispers

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

For a while now, I've been seeking a welcoming feeling in a church. I haven't attended much lately, due to various reasons, and plenty of excuses. I've been a part of a church for quite some time, lets put it this way, I was there through the past few Reverends. I got married there, had the boys' memorial there, and had my son's blessing ceremony there. I watched my little sister walk down the same isle I did, I watched her sign the registry right next to my name. Through all these things I felt at home...... This, I feel no longer, and it breaks my heart. For many reasons, my family hasn't attened service on a regular basis, mostly since major changes have been made to the structure of the community with in the church. This does not make our Faith questionable. We tithe what we can, and sometimes more than we can. We do believe, and have a strong Faith, we know it has held us up through desperate times recently. This is not the problem.

One of my concerns is Catechism for our children. They have an interest, and a right to that education. It is my responsibility as their mother to provide it to them. This is not offered in our church, and is presenting a problem as they grow older. I want them to feel goosebumps, like I used to during mass. I want them to know what they are doing through mass, instead of just following format. I want them to experience the humbleness of first confession, the wholeness of first communion, all the things I experienced, I want for them.

I am the woman I am today because those morals, and teachings were instilled in me. I want them to know Jesus.

The final sign...
As I sat at Easter mass, with my youngest worn on my hip, I searched for those feelings. During announcements, our Reverend welcomed all the members, and there aren't many. Then she welcomed the guests, pointing out some members had brought extended family. Then she points to me, and says, "We even have a couple of Meltons in the back, so nice to see you with us today." While I'm sure she meant no harm, and in the nicest way possible, that was it. I will never be completely accepted as a member of this church. This is not my community. Where do I belong? I have to admit, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed for me, and for my Grandmother who has been a member of that church just as long, if not longer than anyone else. I was embarrassed for my family, who for various reasons could not attend. This is not how you should feel during service, all eyes on you, being questioned as to why it's not important enough to show up. It is important. However, unlike the majority of the congregation, I have young children, and a husband who works phenomenal hours, and have many things to do that early in the morning. It is just not feasible for our family to be at that service that early every week.

So the search begins. Where we will end up, I'm not sure yet. How long will it take, I don't know. I do know that I want to find a church in which we can grow and learn as a family, and that my children and husband feel comfortable with in.

posted by Faye at 11:57 PM -

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