Monday, April 24, 2006
A Lot of Patients, and a Little Direction....
...It's amazing what my family can do on a Sunday afternoon. We, he and I with the little one, set out at noon for an apple peeler, and detoured to the home store. We walked through the green house while the little one was snuggly tied to my back, and made me bend down to smell every flower. I saw a few things that caught my eye, and then we found more that would go with it. I picked out a nice pair of gardening gloves thinking these proably won't get used like the last pair I bought. We checked out, and decided to go to the next home store and see what they had. After a disapointing run, we headed towards one final stop, and found the rest of what we were looking for!

We scooped up the boys up at about 3:30 on the way home, and then the work started! I had no idea how much was going to go into planting a few shrubs and a couple of trees. He marked the ground, and dug up the rocks that will have a new home at the farm. I dug the earth up and we all loosened the soil and removed the grass. The loose grass was moved up to the front, under big pine, in which I planted a bunch of wild flowers in. We tilled the earth with our hands, and even the little one helped, with a plastic rake, and a rail road spike. I think he got down a few mouth fulls of dark black soil before he realized it wasn't too tasty.

He and I laid down the weed barier, and he and the boys went and got the mulch from the other side of the street. We all spread the mulch, and he let me do the lay out. I dug the holes and planted the first few things on my own, and he was proud of me. He had the boys help on the other side. We all cleaned up, and I gave the fresh new plants a good soaking!

I am so proud of my family for doing this project together. We had quite a bit of fun, and were all happy when we stepped back to take a look. We finished it before sunset, only a few hours of work. Wow, look what we did, as a family. Tomorrow, we'll plant the sun flowers down the side of the house, together, as a family.
posted by Faye at 6:14 AM - 0 comments
Friday, April 21, 2006
My little sister....

....she will always be my little sister! She will always be my closest, most cherished friend. She will always be there for me. No matter what. She looks to me for grace, although she won't admit it. I look to her for strength, even though I am just as suborn. We're separated by many miles, and I miss her every day. It's hard to accept that she is a woman now, not that little girl I looked after, even when she thought I wasn't there. She has grown up, and still remains my baby sister. She is full of laughter, and at time is contagious. She can be so serious, and at times hard to handle. Her smile is the biggest I know! Her heart can hold so much. She is my sister, my friend, my kindred spirit. She is my polar, my mystery, my heartache. She is my confidant. My vault. My shoulder to cry upon. She is my sister, my little baby sister. All grown up. She is part of my pride. She inspires me. She supports me. She looks up to me, she loves me. I am her big sister.
posted by Faye at 3:49 PM - 0 comments
Thursday, April 20, 2006
A New Season
Spring is here, a new season. I will walk more outdoors with my baby worn on my back. I will play more outdoors so my children's laughter may ride the wind. I will pray more outdoors so that my voice will be carried through the skys. Spring is here, and it's beauty, and new life brings new hope for a fresh new voyage of coping, feeling, learning, and loving. Spring is here, and it's most welcome.
posted by Faye at 12:05 PM - 0 comments
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
The Search

For a while now, I've been seeking a welcoming feeling in a church. I haven't attended much lately, due to various reasons, and plenty of excuses. I've been a part of a church for quite some time, lets put it this way, I was there through the past few Reverends. I got married there, had the boys' memorial there, and had my son's blessing ceremony there. I watched my little sister walk down the same isle I did, I watched her sign the registry right next to my name. Through all these things I felt at home...... This, I feel no longer, and it breaks my heart. For many reasons, my family hasn't attened service on a regular basis, mostly since major changes have been made to the structure of the community with in the church. This does not make our Faith questionable. We tithe what we can, and sometimes more than we can. We do believe, and have a strong Faith, we know it has held us up through desperate times recently. This is not the problem.

One of my concerns is Catechism for our children. They have an interest, and a right to that education. It is my responsibility as their mother to provide it to them. This is not offered in our church, and is presenting a problem as they grow older. I want them to feel goosebumps, like I used to during mass. I want them to know what they are doing through mass, instead of just following format. I want them to experience the humbleness of first confession, the wholeness of first communion, all the things I experienced, I want for them.

I am the woman I am today because those morals, and teachings were instilled in me. I want them to know Jesus.

The final sign...
As I sat at Easter mass, with my youngest worn on my hip, I searched for those feelings. During announcements, our Reverend welcomed all the members, and there aren't many. Then she welcomed the guests, pointing out some members had brought extended family. Then she points to me, and says, "We even have a couple of Meltons in the back, so nice to see you with us today." While I'm sure she meant no harm, and in the nicest way possible, that was it. I will never be completely accepted as a member of this church. This is not my community. Where do I belong? I have to admit, I was embarrassed. Embarrassed for me, and for my Grandmother who has been a member of that church just as long, if not longer than anyone else. I was embarrassed for my family, who for various reasons could not attend. This is not how you should feel during service, all eyes on you, being questioned as to why it's not important enough to show up. It is important. However, unlike the majority of the congregation, I have young children, and a husband who works phenomenal hours, and have many things to do that early in the morning. It is just not feasible for our family to be at that service that early every week.

So the search begins. Where we will end up, I'm not sure yet. How long will it take, I don't know. I do know that I want to find a church in which we can grow and learn as a family, and that my children and husband feel comfortable with in.
posted by Faye at 11:57 PM - 0 comments
And so it begins.....

My journey through whispers. Whispers of those who feel the need to lead me. Whispers of those who encourage me. Whispers of those who are next to me, and of those who are no longer with me. Whispers of the Lord and his plan for me. Telling me this day will be safe, this day will not hurt like yesterday. This day I will grow. This day I will be stronger.

The whispers of my children playing. The soft laughter they share. The whispers of my dear husband, the love of my life telling me I am strong enough, I am beautiful, I am his truest love.

The whispers of my sweet little boys, telling me they are safe, and happy. The whispers of 2 of the most glorious gifts the Lord has blessed me with. My lost boys, my children I can not hold.

This begins yet another step in my journey of healing, and growing past the tragedy which has engulfed my family. This begins yet another step in my journey through grief, loss, and motherhood. This begins yet another step down the path I am finding the strength to walk.

Welcome to my journey, my struggle, my pain, joy, and faith.
posted by Faye at 9:59 PM - 0 comments
About Me
Name: Faye
Home: Illinois, United States
About Me: I'm a stay at home mom to 6 kiddos. I love all types of crafting, and sharing that time with my little ones. If we can make it or grow it, we don't buy it. I make our own soap from scratch, and very much enjoy doing that! I love to be active at church, and wish to get more involved. I have an amazing husband who I wish I had more quility time with, but as long as I'm with my family I'm a happy girl.
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